Am i ,me, myself?
Or just someone else that I'm just trying or maybe pretending to be?

I felt that I'm just living in other people shadow,
the one who take other mistakes to be someone who doesn't make those mistake...

Trying to be that someone good,
Just making myself,
"GOOD"

The fact is...
It's came from that piece of heart of me...
Which,
Still telling me ...
If you change things will change...

I forgot myself,
that someone who pointed the middle finger and never hesitations to shout another word,
F***

I'm really losing my memories...
And i'm getting worried cause my head haven't stop spinning ever since 24 dec...

Maybe I'll forget you soon...

Then I go sometime again...
Hmmm,
CHRISTMAS WAS FUN!...
ROCKS!

Christmas eve went to CHURCH! WOOOHHHOOO!...
It's really good to just step in there...
The aircon and the warmth of the people there...
NICE!=D

Like it...
The performances=D
BEST...
Cause it's the first time,
I been to the church to celebrate christmas and it's really fun...
HAHA

Ok,
then went to jamie's house to countdown for christmas...
Oh well,
on the train,
Saw lady scratching the armpits,
And other lady who holds onto the handle ,
you know the handle u have to lift up your arms...
Yea...
And she never shaved...

Ok it's life,
and I called this a HORROR nightmare trip to jamie house...

Mrt...
With weird people...

Then jamie house!
Wanted to eat the noodle from the nearby midnight stall...
But then there is so much food at jamie house,
Eat alot,
then drink soft drinks...
Countdown,
AND MERRRYY CHRISTMAS=D plus Happy birthday Jesus...


The star there, so nice...

Play WII...
SUPER FUN!
HAHA
SO INTERACTIVE...!
I LIKE!=D

Friend got drunk,
But not me...

Drank a little,
And HAD MY Hangover From 24 to 26 dec2009...

I lose my balances...

The message that remind me once again...

If you change,
THINGS WILL CHANGE,
PEOPLE AROUND YOU WILL START CHANGING!
SO CHANGE YOURSELF!

Hmmm,
That is what my pastor preach...

I followed...
But,
Have I change enough,



to make the people around me change too?

I'm still trying hard...
Really,
I am...

And my heart starts to ache,
But I dont know why...

Ache somewhere but not the heart please!!!

Sunday was kinda of pathetic,
Every single match we played,
We lose,
They are so strong...

When I got the ball,
I think of you,
and I lose myself when I dribble the ball...
It's make me lose my all confidence...

The words you say...
I remember it...

Every shot I made,
The flashback came in,
I missed it...



Three more days and school is going to reopen soon...

And i just came to realise,
It's three more days...

Still taking time to realise...

Passion of Christ...
It kinda of heart aching to see Jesus got beat up and crucifix...
Just so violent...

And,
So Jesus preach to the people somewhere in the hill or something,
He said,
Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,
that you may be sons of your Father in heaven.
He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.

If you love those who love you,
what reward will you get?

Are not even the tax collectors doing that?
And if you greet only your brothers,
what are you doing more than others?

Do not even pagans do that?
Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Can you believe this...
I just post that I wont want to give a damn to that insensitive person
and then the movie just made an impact on me...
God Like saying...
Douglas, you have to love your enemies...

Arrrh,
Father, How am I going to do that?
Maybe I'm insensitive too...

Give me some time to get this right...
I need time too...=(
Never mind,
I will just pray...



and I made a watch using the software!=D

Btw to my brothers and sister:
I just read all of your blog...
Kao,
Why so emo?
Can dont so emo...
I see you guys like that I super sad can...

I SHALL PULL THAT BIG SMILE ON ALL YOUR FACES!



And there goes,
Life always have their ups and downs...
So is how we are going to respond to it...

Derek,
If you need a good listener,
Or maybe I would like to be the first one to know your problem,
You can call me,
I can be an absolutely choices as a good listener k...=D

Tired...

Ok well,
this week,
Supposed to go school and help out with Caid modelling...
But never really help much...
So,
I'm Sorry...

But don't know why so tired...

Then once again,
it's start all over again...

I wont want to talk about you,
Cause you are just so insensitive afterall,
GOODBYE,
Cause I dont want to give a damn...

Today went out and meet the BIG GROUP
went vivocity to eat japanese food and Thank alot guys for the 500 GB HARDRIVE =D
Thank you =D
and
Just wanted to be sad,
maybe i'm too tired,
and brain is not thinking...

tomorrow will be a happy day,
it will be,
it must be...=D

Then sometimes,
I just want to know how I feel but,
I really dont know what i'm feeling...
I know it's sound stupud,
But it's like it's some unsettled feeling that it's still in my heart...

And I felt that there is something there...
I'm always good at running away from things,
And now I learnt to hide things away...

I dont like that feeling of keeping them in...


Like a stump with grains that looks like cuts...
I'm in the middle of it ....



Trying to hide myself,
And yet want to be found by you...
How long will it take for you to realise,
that i'm still there...
Waiting...

Like a sad...
HAHA!

Finally, it's over and i got the time to post =D.... Very tiring module that I just wanted to finish it off today! WOOOOHOOOO!!!=D
Hmmm thanks to my laptop (buddy)=D He work so hard and fight along with me ... Thank you buddy!HAHA
And my poly friend chiong their work at my house on wednesday night and friday night... Like very happening...
And I never sleep Became a zombie doing alias and i dont even understand what i am talking sometimes...
Sometime i think i'm should just go for language class or how to make a sentences that would make people understand what you mean...

Well,

this is the helmet i design, it's a motorcycle made by adidas... This is the third edited Adidas version... Adidas logo just bring me along to work harder... Somehow it links to basketball...=D

(I'm uploading the video in youtube so please wait)
And this is my animation that I have created... It's quite fun to create an animation like things starts to move and the product look so alive...HAHA

It's has a very high price to pay for this animation...
It has a 1000 frame which means that this animation has 1000 pictures...
So in order to get his 1000 picture render in time, I divide them into 10 sections... I thought i very smart... I save the 10 sections from 1 to 10...
( this step is to chim to understand) The objective is I need to rename 955 pictures. (the other 55 pictures I deleted aways cause there is no movement)
And I was like super stress cause i have to rename them one by one and need to get them ready by 9.30am yesterday morning and i came into the lab at 9.12am...
Then i panic...
Cause i render the whole night and i dont want my animation goes to the drain like this... So I click and click and click to rename the 955 pictures but luckily the lecturer came in at 10.10am...
Phew... And i finish rename the file at 10.08am...
So scary...
And each time I rename I pray that the lecturer could come after 10am...

Each minutes passes and the more I pray...

I dont know what I can say, But thank you god for being there...

HOLIDAYS!
I want to learn Flash,
I want to go secret training,
I want to go somewhere not that far...

Hmmm,
Well, times flies and there goes this week...
Also dont know what to type...

I'm like quite quiet recently,
Not because I emo,
Just feel kinda of tired...
And I dont really have much to say also...

hmmm...
Updated soon...

Went to checkup today,
And the doctor say that everything is OK...
Normal,
It's just an infectation maybe is because i hold my bladder too long or never drink enough water...
So everything is Prefectly ALRIGHT NOW...

OFFICIALLY Fallen asleep today...
And I refused to wake up and do my work...
This sleep is like so nice...=D
And I love sleeping =D

Eh EH Eh EH ...

I want to talk haha!
Listen to me!...

Electrolux over...
Life still the same...
Kinda of sad to depart from the team...
Goodbye and good luck...

Now busy liao...
Sleeping time is from 3 to 8
If this carry on...
WOOHOO!
I'm so going to be like pig on the weekends...

AND IT KEEP RAINING AND RAINING
I want to play basketball...@#$%^&

I got alot of inspiration...
And alot of small little things havent do yet...

there will always be up and down in life...
And i'm the one who control who i want to be...
So i want to be...
SOMEONE who control his life HAHA!

I miss my sleep just for ben birthday...
Eh see how good I am...
I can choice not to go...
But too bad who ask him to be my brother...
So must go what...

HAHA HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY SUCKER...
HAHA...

And I'm having trouble with my head now...
I'm not having a good appetite recently,
Feel kinda of sick...


This week start of new module...
Alot of things to do...
Always the same thing...

Anyway I found something important in my life...
Health is blissful...
This is what i learnt from A litre of tear...
If one day I can no longer play basketball...
Hmmm Just like that...
Life just so unexpected...
Scary...

So ya...
See alot of things...
Just wanna be me...

Step by step...
Then we'll reach it...
That's my philosophy =D
I finally got my PHILOSOPHY...
OH YA!

Alot of things coming through...

Hmmm today...
Wake up at 11 and wanted to go school to help out,
and I remember what she say yesterday,
And i told myself:
"You mei you wo, ye bu shi yi yang...?"
I wont disappointed...

A Litre of tear,
Each episode make me feel so sad,
At episode 6 3/4 Makes me cried...
So touch-ing...

Get a new laptop just to install this stupid design software Alias...

I know it's quite stupid to get a laptop now when there is a IT fair coming in two weeks later...
Can get better spec can get it in a better price...
But i just need it...

But my modules start next week and i believe this modules will really rely on the laptop or computer graphics...
My school is going to upgrade the Com...

Hmmm why dont use school com?
Alot of reason,
but the most important reason is to let other people to use...=D

Anyway MIRACLE HAPPENED!!!

After hunting so long for this new laptop and it's window 7
I thought the software can be installed and function well...
But i was wrong...
It's 7 going to 8 and my parents went out for dinner and i told them i catch up with them in 20mins time...
Getting so nervous just hope that it will work well you see...
My mum spent 2k+ just to buy this laptop to help me in my work...
And if this software cant be installed,
I'm so dead...

And it really didn't worked...
I installing for the first time and a screen pop out...
And the screen hang there...
For quite long...
I thought it was loading...
And i waited...
Something is wrong when there is words which is supposed to appear just below the pop out screen but it didnt appear...
And the screen just hang there...
So I went to the task bar and end task for the screen pop out...
And I reopen it four times...

I told myself...
Die liao...
And I pray :"man, god help me please... Please make it work.."

And it was like 8.30...
I'm so worried...
And the thing still hang there...
So i tried restarting the com...
And reopen it...
It didnt work...

And half of my soul was gone...
$2k+ just gone if this software cant be installed...
And how my family is going to react went I tell them that it wont work...
I think i'm so dead by that time...

And it's getting late...
So i rush down to the hawker centre to meet them up for dinner...
Think and think and think...
"Please make it work..."

I keep chewing the chicken wing...
One by one...
I didnt told them that it might not work,
and kept it to myself...
I think that,that is the time when I really control my emotion so well that my parent didnt notice that I'm SO FREAKING WORRIED...
Cause the whole table is full of food =D

I went to call a friend who i took the software from, he say he's not sure whether the software will work on window 7 anot...
Cause it work well on window vista and window xp...
If it dont work,
Die liao...

Went to aunt house to take the Microsoft software and rush home...
On my way home,(it quite near) just one street away...
I walked under the rain and prayed...

"Father please make it work,
I'm desperately calling for you...
Please make it work..."

Deep in my heart, I shout it out loud...
And keep on repeating the same thing over and over again...

And went home...
Reinstall the software again...
And it didn't work...

I almost throw my temper when they keep asking whether the software is it working on the laptop...
I need some time to install so please wait...
I come back to you later...

Fear all over...
Panic...

Thinking of downloading window vista to replace window 7...
Thinking of downgrading window 7...
Just feel so angry...
Why am i always being played...
All i want was to get things done and well done...
Please dont fool me like this...

And MIRACLE HAPPENED...
I wanted to remove the software from program...

It show me three main title:

Program and features
Default program
and desktop gadgets

And God make me see the feature under Program and features
Run programs made for previous versions of windows
So i click it...
First it didnt have any programs that is run under previous versions of windows which is window vista...

And when it came to an end,
A list of program pop out and asked me to select program i want to run under previous of windows...
So I selected the software...

screen pop out words under the screen start to appear and "starting application"...

=D And it worked...

I close my eyes and say thank you father when my dad was actually just beside me...
And i knee down say thank you...
OH my god...
Like Seriously...
Jumping around...
I never feel so much,
I mean so happy before...

Sorry for being long winded and dramatic...
But it's true...
It's so GREAT...
Thank you Father...THANKS ALOT ALOT...

=D





If I dont have such a stupid attitude...
Maybe things wont turned out to be like this...
If Someone in my life could teach me how to control my attitude or maybe I change it by myself before I actually meet you,
I wouldn't be like this,
I never want to be like this...
But I think what I have done is already done...
I'm felt so sorry and guilty when I think of it...
Cause My sorry doesn't seem to be working anymore...
I'm really sorry...



I will fixed my problem...
Hope you see my changes...

Hmmm, this is life...
When things are just so unexpected...

Apple...
Just thought it as a gift for asking forgiveness...

I simply take it...
And forgot what my own promise...

Anyway, Pray last night and prayer have being answered...
That's not to say it's an easy purpose, or a convenient one. It might very well seem hard or even impossible, but it only looks that way. The truth is that one day you will look back and see how all the pieces fit together.

I'm so having a emo rush now...
Hmmm,I will never be a great help...

My own breakwall,
Awarkard,
Weird,
Lousy,
And super LOW SELF ESTEEM now...
I have absolutely no confidence in doing anything now...

I want to write to you...
That's common i think,
without rejection,
you will never learn to grow stronger...

I'm feeling super upset now...
Cause things just got worse and worse...

I'm sorry,
AND goodbye...

我可以喜欢你吗?



Now,
it's seem to be a routine every night,
Thinking of...
You...

Maybe it's not true...
OR Maybe it will just fade away somehow...

Is me that makes you angry?
It's troubling me...=(

一直等 一个人 等了很久
这一场 独角戏 是很寂寞
春夏秋冬 我的视窗 只有风经过
爱很深 有多深 我也不懂
你走後 我的心变的脆弱
听一首歌 也觉得痛
但我谁也没有说
右边的座位 右边的枕头
都已经空了那麽久
为你守候 那是因为 我已经看透
没有你的爱
这个我只是一半
不哭了 不笑了
为谁努力我也不明白
没有人能取代
一个圆的另一半
我固执 的等待
等风再把你带回来

To me and only me:

I can't feel that I contribute anything
but just keep on watching you doing all those work...

And when you fall one day,
I will be right at your back to catch you
and bring you back up again...




Somehow this is what i can do...

Something is wrong with me,
Something is wrong with the medicine...
I'm feeling weird...
It's not me...

My Urine got blood...
HAHA pms...
How to start...
Hmmm Thursday night, my urine start to have blood,
Then the pain starts...
Then cannot sleep at night...
Body super hot...
Very uncomfortable toss and turn...
woke up in the middle of the night to pee...
Things got worse...
PAIN~ I woke up three time just to pee and nothing come out...

Next morning...
Still got blood...
SUPER PAIN~...
Went to clinic...
Urine test...
Doctor say got alot of blood in my urine...
Got white blood also...
Very unusual for a guy...
So must go hospital to check again...

Changi General Hospital
The doctor say i have to stay in the hospital to do observation,
Cause i got slight fever and then it's unusual thing for guys to have blood in their urine...

To the C ward...
No more ward for B2 and B1 so Stay at C ward...
I Feel perfectly alright,
Just that passing motion it hurts alot...

Tube given to pee in...



Blood taking...
X-ray...

In the morning, a female doctor came and check on me...
THAT'S SO EMBARRASSING...

She say I can be discharged...
Go home rest and drink more water...
Then was discharged...
But still need to do checkup...

That all...
That all...

Maybe I'm expecting too much...
I stay awake the whole night waiting...
But the message didn't came in...



Hmmm...
I CAN'T BE BOTHERED...
GO STUDY...

I dont know what is my problem today...
The moment when I'm in school,
I just felt so pissed...
DONT KNOW WHY...
maybe it's school or maybe it's me?
But i just keep quiet and i dont know what i'm angrying about...
Somehow i have a feeling from my heart that seem to be pierced by something...
Ever since last night,
I just dont understand why...
I keep telling myself to calm down but it's just dont work...
Maybe i'm having pms ba...
HAHA~
I hate this feeling...
But it's gone now...=D
Phew...

There is something that i need to change and learn
how to control myself when i'm pissed...

SAVE ME PLEASE~


JAPANESE CLASS IS SO SCREWED...
ONE DOWN~=D

A hole that I'm trying to patch up FOR WEEKS...
It's getting bigger and I'm so broke by now...




Sorry for not trying to make it happened,
Cause I just know it's no...
I dont know why but i must let go...
I dont want to be wrong...
I'm not going to fall in love,
cause I dont want to get hurted again ...

Hmmm...
Updated...
Ok this week, Do alot of computer rendering stuff...
Trying to finish the electrolux thing and Last friday was the presentation of our presentation...
Two weeks of hard work and effort was being appreciated =D
Presentation went smoothly,Just need to amend the aesthetic design...
One night just to render 10 pictures out from my laptop is counted as not bad...=D
But there is some changes of the colour scheme so end up never use my rendering Haha...

Anyway, Japanese Classes like abit cannot make it sia...
It's evening class and i'm with a girl classmate...ONLY...
Not fun as the class atmosphere it's like kinda of tight somehow...
Not fun cause I can't really pronounce well haha !

I think Morning class would be better for me...

Then let talk about love...

MAYBE I DONT EVEN KNOW LOVE...

Haha! My brain is filled with this again...
Somehow being able to walked away and stopped thinking about emo stuff life is much more better...=D
Yea Ok I'm done over with the heartbreaking stuff... =D
Recently, I'm having a feeling that I dont really know what is love...
The power of me seeking love from you just slowly dimming and fade again bit by bit...
Maybe it's just better to let it go afterall...
I dont feel anger anymore...
Just want to let you know,
I still care...=D

Love is kinda of pain...
Cause I heard stories...
Haiz...
Love is like so unpredictable...
So scary...
Say break means break...
I dont even dare to think of that kind of feeling...
Phew...
Sad ar...

I'm having a kind of weird feeling...
I'm hope i'm not in it again =D




Oh by the way,
The weeks is good for me,=D
I pray for you guys AMEN! HAHA






Life and death again...
Mum say grandaunt might...
I Pray that I...
Just not good to heard about it...

Eh,Recently my father is really looking trouble for me...
It's like seriously...
One week we can like quarrel three to four time...
Ya...
So I just ignore him when he starts to nag and scold me over small little things...
Very Irritating...
AGAIN AND AGAIN...
Haiz,
And I dont care...=D


I DONT FIND TROUBLE BUT TROUBLE FIND ME =(


And I have a very insensible brother...
Seriously I want to have my own apartment...
If you think bringing girlfriend back home and stay is a cool thing just do it without my presence...
Dont Freaking bring your girlfriend when I'm sharing the bedroom with you...
Dont you think it's a freaking weird thing?
GROW UP PLEASE...


GO AND FIND YOUR OWN APARTMENT...
AND SHIT YOU SO MUCH...
THINK ! AND LEARN TO BE MATURE!

Hmmm, I'm getting angry easily...
Is it my fault?


And I'm getting excited when school reopen
Cause my lesson going to start during the night...
Nobody is going to bother me...=D

Although I'm not in comforting people,
But I wished that I could be there to comfort you somehow...
Just pray that you'll recover and be cheerful again =D

Life is so simple when there is things to do...
And when you dont see time,
It somehow appear in some ways... Hmmm...
I think it starts to make alot of sense to me...=D
If you are not happy,
Just quarrel only,
I felt that bottle it up will just make things worse,
So I think it's better to express yourself rather than keeping them all...
And when you get so angry you burst it all out...
Hmmm Small candle flame better than Big explosion right?

Hmmm I dont know why I type this Just type for fun =D...
I dont care...
Even how sorry I am,
I felt that you dont even care at all...?
So sad but it's not going to bother me...

Redirecting my life with A BOOK!

Hmmm before I'm going to change my life again...
Haix so many things happened again...
Like school work and relationship...
ALWAYS THE Same problem...

Hmmm but recently It's really really demoralising...
Especially on the Electrolux presentation that day,
Everyone were like so prepared and we only have one concept...
Haiz...
Then Their work was like so nice and good can...
But they are taking degree so it's really beyond our level...
But still I feel kinda of lousy...
I feel like giving up when my result and this electrolux things make me feel so worthless...
Especially the result...
I understand what went wrong but still I just can't get over it...
I'm so serious about my work...
I'm so serious about the work I'm doing...

But I got this shit result...

Hmmm when my friends mention about result,
it just make me feel so lousy...
Haha...
Heart ache~~ very pain...
Four years of my hardwork, and three years of passion of being a product designer
And I got defeated by my own result and my own failure...

I Give up at that time...
I feel so lost again and again...
Trying to find a purpose of carrying on this passion that I have...
My passion was like a candle that has flame on it...
Everytime, when the wind come,
Failure blows my flame away,
But I keep lighting them up because I dont want to give up...
But the wind just keep on coming,
And now I'm so tired to light up that candle...



The Candle will not light up without me =D

Then After complaining to Jamie...

Anyway...
The whole day Doing chores,
Vaccum and Mopping the floor...
Arms hurts alot after training...
After all those hard work chorse,thought of enjoying A NBA 2001 Game 2 match...
THEN THINGS HAPPENED...
ONE COCKROACH APPEARED...
AND THE BATTLE BEGINS...

A great battle with the COCKROACHES !
Imagine Different Sizes of Cockroach Keep Climbing out of the Rubbish bin...
SIAN!
HOW TO CATCH!?
ALOT OF COCKROACHES,
HERE AND THERE...

THEN I FOUND MY BROOM! HAHAHA
I open the Sewage cover and sweep all the COCKROACHES IN...
LUCKY THEY CANNOT FLY !
OR I WILL DIE!

GO AND DIE STUPID COCKROACHES!

Hmmm everyone is Getting the heat of chasing up...
I'm still kinda of blur and don't know what is going on...?
My Dream Kinda of being shaken...
I'm tired...
Really tired Out...
But,
I Feel so Comfortable enjoying these HOLIDAY...
But NO money,
SO Cannot go out,
Struck at home =D

A Short story:

A Guy went to ask a Girl out for a dinner...

Then the Girl say to the Guy:
I Just don't understand,You keep asking me out and I keep telling you No
Why do you keep on trying?

Then The guy replied:
I dont know, I Feel like If I keep asking,
maybe one of this day you would say Yes..


Hmmm Would you be touched?
Would you say Yes?








Just trying to decieve myself...
But it won't work...

STILL... a NO...

Today Which was yesterday, Kinda of expect things to happen...
Haha...
In the morning ,I Can already sense it coming...
Hmmm...
Maybe it was Sunday night Prayer that I made and today my prayer was answered...
I need the truth...
Though the truth hurts more than I except,
But still,
I need to know...
( Aiya, You tell me who won't not be sad? When you like that someone so much, Then it's like Haiz.. )
It's like Kinda of expected...
Just don't know how things work but I'm not in the mood throughout the whole day...
I thought It was just tiredness...

Aiya,
I thought I can wait while doing my work,
Then After my work is done,
Then I do the right thing,
Which is my third year...
I'm good at waiting... =)
But it's already a No =/
Not even a chance ...

Just Kill all the hope and the dream I have For this special Planned Third year... =(
Disappointment AFTER Disappointment...
Work and relationship...
BIG JOKE Can...

I have this thinking of...
Things won't work out when you tried so hard,
But when you don't try so hard,
The things work out so well...
HAHA...
Like Cheat my feeling can...?
ALWAYS LIKE THIS...

But also learn a Lesson...
If you want to like right,
You like all the way...
Haiz...

BUT!
Just jia you
And Do live well...
I'll back off...

If you need me,
I'll be here...

Jia You Angel...




Anyway Prayer is being Answered...
Let's get going...

I sense his presence and it's like getting closer...
Is the kingdom coming soon for me...?
Until that one day I have to face you, I wonder what was the first question you will asked me...?
I just wonder...
But I know my answer will be:
I'm Sorry, It's just Temptation that I don't even have any resistance against it?
It's just lie...
I have a choice afterall...

I feel kinda of slow and lost...
When the Time Fade away so fast...
I just realised that it been another week,
Another day was gone...
What Have I been doing...?
Project after project...
It's seem like I don't have life...
People start Disappearing in my life when I just realised it...

Some walked away,
Some just Disappear,
I Don't have any Fighting spirit to just bring them back...
Afterall, I'm the one who make them walk away...
I Didn't Give up...
I just keep trying...
But it's kinda of tired when your effort just don't get them back...

Did I miss my chances when I'm supposed to do something that time...
Now I guess you have change your Perspective on me...

I'm quiet now,
Just don't wanna make alot of noise...


I feel so much, But I just couldn't express it out...
I'm Feeling weird...

Ok I'm good After this Stupid post I post...
I'm not going to fall like this or say this word give up...
Everyone face obstacle and they fall too...
SO I've fallen but I'm picking myself up...
It's really normal to be upset when you do something with alot of effort and you put your heart in and PEOPLE just dont appreciate what you do...

When this happen,
I just realise the only thing you can do is just have your own quiet time and just shut yourself up... After that period, Carry on and push yourself...
Not going to stop...
JIA YOU!=/
AND JUST WATCH ME!...

Many things in two months...

OK many things in this two months...
I never meet up with my brothers,
I never go for cell group,
I never go out or enjoy myself even when I'm so freaking stress up with my work...
I never play bball ever since this module start...
I never do this I never do that...=)
Ya...
Hard work...
Effort...
I always Believe this Hard work thing,
AND I Believe in EFFORT...
And I just do...
Do and do and do and do...
DO DO DO DO DRAW DRAW DRAW DRAW DRAW AND DRAW...
CUT AND PASTE.... CLICK HERE CLICK THERE...
JUST TO GET THIS PROJECT DONE =)
I SPENT MONEY LIKE DRINKING WATER...
MUM is very supportive she give me cash when I need it...
TO BUY SPRAY PAINT...
SAND PAPER...
LIGHT Sensing circuit...
BATTERIES...=)

Thanks alot mum...=)

BROTHER, I MAKE IT...!!!
In three weeks and two days I COMPLETE MY MODEL...

I HAVE A BIG SMILE ON MY FACE TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THIS...
I MAKE IT...

Ya ....
=)

Well, I make it...
It's really better than my dinosaur kettle...
Should I be proud or just feel Stupid for making something that doesn't not even impress any lecturers ?

Well, the truth is I dont think the lecturer doesn't even like it...
Not being acknowledge...
Not being acknowlegde...

Ya I'm not...
I'm upset...

I put in hard work...
I put in Effort...

I seem to be a BIG FOOL for this two months...
This is what they say... Why so simple... I can buy it at anywhere....
So I REDESIGN, REFINE it...
HOURS AND HOURS OF SKETCHES... Just to get the concept approved...

Like a stupid dumb...
After I saw my classmate work,
BEST! SIMPLE AND NICE!=)
Seriously, it's nice...
And I"M STUPID...
I MAKE SO MANY THINGS... AND GET THINGS SO COMPLICATED....
AND END UP I GET THE GRADE WAS LIKE WAH!
I dont know what Grade I get But more or less is a C or D ba...

YOu know How I FEEL?
I FEEL LIKE SHIT...
A BIG BIG BIG SHIT!

I JUST WANTED TO HAVE THE COURAGE TO JUST USE MY STRENGTH AND BREAK THOSE SHIT THAT I MAKE...
YOU KNOW HOW SAD I AM NOW...
AND WHY AM I BLOODY STUPID...???

HAHA STUPID RIGHT...
NAMED ME LOSER...OR WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL ME...
LABEL ME CONDEMN ME... ANYTHING =)...

Ya...
Dont tag some comfort words on my tagbox...
I DONT WANT....
JUST dont...
It's make me feel so pathetic...
To Zy if you want to say me or anything just keep it to yourself ba...
All I want is just to post this with no comment...

I think I'm wrong...
Things are like this right?
When I don't see her,
I don't feel so much...
When She's around,
I'm not me...

When,
I'm all Alone just by myself,
Did I think of you?

It's going to rain tonight,
Keep yourself warm...

With The umbrella...=/
Sigh...
Just another part of my memories...=)

I'm not sure what she was thinking...
And I'm not sure what am I feeling now...
She was being Paranoia ( think too much)...
Ya, I know...

It's make me paranoia that she was paranoia...
I'm sorry...
It just make me feel scare...

And it's like I'm the one causing such awarkard feeling to her...



Should I even confess at the first place?
When the things that I predicted will actually happened?
I supposed it's just the end of the story...
Things are not going anywhere...
Not going anywhere...
I just dont like the feeling...
I keep asking myself the same old question, over and over again...

Should I just give up ?
I ask around, But no one give me an answer...
Some say Give up,
Some say It how your hearts feels then you do what your heart says...
Then I asked my heart...
My Heart say I like her...
But how much?
I dont know...
How would I know?
Can it be measure?


Then my Brain came into the pictures...
Saying, Things are not going anywhere wasn't it...?
What the point of holding on ?
I'm not getting any conculsion,
But it's making me confused,
It's making me tired...




I seem to be holding on to something that does not belonging to me at all...

She was like A complete stranger to me now...
I don't know how I can start talking to her...
I dont know what I can talk about...
Dont ask me to talk about work...
It's just so boring to talk about work...


I can find alot of topic to talk about,
But I guess she will just think that I'm trying to get close to her...

Ya I want to,
But I seem to be having the wrong Intention?
Be friend first then go on to something else...

If she read this,
I Confirm she will avoid me for the rest of my life...
HAHAHA=(

I Can fight for you =)
I Can be really really sweet to you =)
I Can be just the right person =)
But how I can I do all this when you are not even there...? =(
It's just like brenda...=(


Friend around me just keep helping me on this...
Whether does it work or does it help,
It don't really matter...
I just want to thanks them even they dont know about this blog...
there Nothing more I could say to you guys but thank you...

Thanks...

I have lunch with Jp on wednesday and have a chat with her...

There is so much that I wanted to ask her but I just keep on listening to what she was saying...

It's just make me feel so much...

What am i thinking?

It's like I'm having the feeling back for her...
What am i thinking?
When I'm struggling with the relationship problems, She(Jp) just came in to my picture...

Now every night I keep thinking of Jp, and I keep comparing...

I dont want to be like my brother...

I'm scare...
Am I being flirt or something?

It make me feel so weird...

What is the purpose behind this?
Just to let me know that I dont really like you that much?
No,

It's the way that things are now that makes me feel this way...

Empty,

I tried too hard,

It's already torn apart,

The timing Is Fading my heart

I just went Empty
Ohhhh....

Ohhhh....

=(

I forgive you,

But who forgive me?

Help me change the skin ANYONE!...
I WANT A HAPPY BACKGROUND!...
Can i design my own background and be my background skin?
Life like this...

If you really care,
you put something here for me to see...
If you don't,
Please dont read ...

When I saw her cry...
The only thing i could do now was to sit down and just look...=(
I'm tired as in Sleepy =S

I'm so sorry but I love you...
I'm Going to stop dwelling,
It's making me more miserable than usual...

LIES!

Eh...
Having a mind which is not really clear of what it was doing...
I'm just feel so lost now...
Blank...
Feeling stupid...
Dumb as usual...
I dont know...
What am I thinking?
Thinking of I love you...
I'm just getting random...
Feeling bitter?
What going on?
I miss you...
Just want to start a normal conversation...
Like, Hello =) with a smile! really...

Random thoughts i just write...

Ok guys, Firstly sorry...
No time to accompany you all to go out play or do anything...
Sorry for not updating...
Sorry for many things...
I still love you guys alot...
Sound so gay,
But I really do and really miss each one of you...

Anyway I have confessed my love to the girl I liked last friday...
But it's quite expected that the answer was no...
Dont worry, I feel much better after I have told her how I feel...
I just make things clear and we remained as friends=)
But things wasn't quite right for this week,
I just hope things would be better...
Ya, you guys know me...

Many things happened in school...

Dont feel like writing liao... Update soon

Closing this blog

I'm closing this blog on first of sept...
No more blogging =)

I miss you so much...

I miss my grandpa alot...
I miss my grandpa so much...
I just miss you so much...
Ah gong...
Ah..................
Gong...............

Other empty Heart...

It's hard to see people smile now...

Those who used to have a very beautiful smile before,

All seems to fade away...

Those smile I see now,

Were all fake,

Were all decieving...

What does sadness bring?

Going to school now make me feel even empty...

I don't get it?

I feel kinda of alone...

Is this how I supposed to feel?

I feel so tired trying...

Feel to tired to carry on...

It's hard to say how your heart feel...

I just want to say,

I want to Love you so much...

I want to let you know...

That I'm SO SO SO SO IN LOVE WITH YOU!!!

Departing is hard...
It's surely is...
After watching absolute Boyfriend,

Wah...

Impressive Drama that makes me cried in the middle of night...
At the very last moment,
Riko still love Night Tenjo alot alot...
Although It's just a Drama,
I'm so AFFECTED by it...
Even when I think of the Last part of the show,
It make me feel like crying...

Go watch that show...

Last Sunday,
Was really Pissed off with my mum and have a Great fight...
Didn't mean to fight or to quarrel but She keep picking on religion thing...
Can't stand it and Argue back...

Things were worse now...=/
I leaved home and went to Alina aunt house to stay over that night...
Really Hope that I was her son lar...
Anyway I'm really glad that she let me stay over that night or I've not place to stay over...

AHLIGATO...

Saw Brenda at the bus stop today...
She still have that beautiful looking eyes and that brighten smile...
Still so sweet Looking...
How I wished that I can still talk to her on the phone now...=/
But it's never going to happen,
So let it be another memorises part of my memories...=)

In school,
Another Module with many many things to do...
Lesson time was quite late though...
So can wake up late...

It's been,
Thirteen weeks...
And I'm still here without knowing what I can do...
Another Part of my memorises...

(Did something happened to you?)

You look depressed?)

Woke up by the stupid alarm clock today at 8.30am...
Then I went back to sleep,
Then the phone ring again...
Ivan called...
O.o
It's 11.35am...
GG, I WAS SUPER LATE...
Then rush down to changi village to meet them...
Sorry Guys ! =X
Went to pulau ubin to cycle ,
Kinda of exhausted after cycling for half a day...
Cycle up the hill, cycle down the hill...
Almost crash with nelson bicycle during a downslope...
Phew LUCKY I ESCAPED...
It's a nice day today...
Thanks to the organiser munting...=)

• Zhengwei bicycle slipped and he injured his right arm...Covered with mud...HAHA!
• Keep Cycling
• Saw dog
• Went to eat Nasi Lemak and Bandung NICE!
• I have $20 today but I have left $1.20 now...
• Home sweet home...

I watched the exorcist on Thursday...

Not really scary and it's abit dumb...

DUMBEST PART

The priest was testing whether the girl was possessed by the demon right, He use tap water and filled into a bottle...

Then He spilled on the girl and she reacted violently...

But still it's confirmed that she was possessed by demon because of speaking some languages that she didn't learned before...

The two priest cast out demon...

If you want to know the ending...

Go watch yourself...

It's not scary really...

I have nightmare after watching it ...

But it's not scary really...

Sunday afternoon...

Woke up do chores...

Mop and pack things...

I Watched Superman Return...

Quite exciting and surprising...

SUPERMAN have a son which have his skills and does not afraid of the stupid radioactive gem or something...

Nice show...

Who were you refering to on your nick?

=/ It's definitely not that answer...

GIVE ME WATER!!!

TODAY!

Went to work...

So sian...

No money to buy food,

So I brought my biscuit there to eat...

I have an empty bottle which I thought I could refill it when I reach there...

But too many work to do so forgotten...

I ate my lunch at 4.15pm...

Late Afternoon...

SO HUNGRY...

But I could only chew those wheat biscuit...

Then I took out my emoty bottle and went to the water cooler...

IT'S EMPTY LAR!

I WAS REALLY THIRSTY...

In Desperate measure,

Douglas press the water tag for water...

And the water tag runs with abit of water which filled up to less than one quarter of the empty bottle...

ONE QUARTER OF THE WATER WITH DRIED BISCUIT!!!

ARRRRRRRRRRHHHHH!!!!

DOUGLAS IS GOING TO DIE SOON!

I'm so like dying without water...

There goes my meal...

I'm not saving up or anything...

It's like I spend it all during the weekends...

AND THEN NO MONEY TO BUY A PROPER MEAL!...

On the money issue...

Sigh...

Quarrel with mum again...

The Pocket money that she gave was really not enough...

And I didn't ask for more and she scold me...

Whatever you say you were always right...

I keep quiet from now...

What you want to say again...

CHURCH AND CHRISTIAN RIGHT...

FINE!

MONEY MONEY AND MORE MONEY!....

I'M GOING TO AUNT HOUSE TO STAY ON THIS WEDNESDAY !

I think aunt would be the best mum...

CAN WE CHANGE MUM PLEASE!?

Man, I'm starting to be like a kid...

Days are numbered...

231 days...

I prayed last night...

And It's seem that I have to do something in order to get myself out of this mess that I'm having now...

I hope it's not too late...

I"M A CHRISTIAN AND I'M ALWAYS A CHRISTIAN!

Went to watch the Ghost of girlfriend past today with Ben Derek Julius and Germaine...
It's a very good show...
Somehow it brought me alot of thoughts...
If that girl was you in that wedding, I'll do the same things to stop the wedding...
Sigh again...

I'm going to start runnning and train my legs...
Tireness seem to be working on making me to forget alot of things...
The more tired I am,
The more I forget...
Let's do this then...
Forget everything and really move on...
Take it all away...

I use this two weeks to reflect on my actions, and myself...
Things that I want to do to make things better...
Nothing much to say...

Please take really good care of yourself there...
Anyway Check out this clip...
Untouchable point guard...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7NxsTOeiyts&feature=fvst

Could it be?

Finally I have the time to post this blog after 2 weeks later...
Sorry Brothers...
Ok let's start going back in two weeks time...

Actually nothing happened much just that there is alot work to do...
Planning and making of the automata toys...
And Pcomd...Project work...
Sigh...
Because of the japan trip, those selected student have to shift the module so that we won't miss the module during the trip.

With two intensive modules together mean alot of work...
So I chiong lor cause after these module is Holiday which is what i'm having now...
We were arranged to this class with the interactive media people to have that module...
There is this girl who sits at the corner, with her black spectacle...
MAN SHE SO CUTE CAN!
Too bad i don't have her picture...
But i think she is super cute...
During the final presentation, when she was presenting,
I was looking paying my full attention on her...
And forgot that I was in class...
Anyway after that presentation thing, that is probably my last sight of her ba?
I don't like to say goodbye...=( But I will remember you...=)
HAHA...

On my work for the Pcomd was also quite good...
But things wasn't going well in my group...
Supposing we were given a project to do...
It mean that we are supposed to work together...
It's not individual...
I clearly understand this condition...
And I'm super willing to help out...
I did my work...
And maybe there is some misunderstand he thinks that I didnt do my part...
Accused...
Perharps you have some unsettled problem with me...
I can see and I can sense...
Even after the presentation or maybe now I can still sense that you are still unhappy about it...
I don't know whether did I did something wrong or what...
This will keep going on for sure...
I know how it work...
The more you keepin your heart, the more you feel unease,
The more you feel, the more anger you have,
Each day it store,
Each day it get bigger...
And it became a Big mountain of hatred...

I think god make you my weakness...
So now what should I do?
I don't want to fight cause I'm having enough of it...
So let me JUST PUT A BIG FULL STOP TO THIS...
This part is for me to remember and learnt something here...
No offence...

Happy part...

AUTOMATA TOYS-Tiring day...

It operate using the gears and cams to make the toys move using a simple rotate of the crank...
this is the video

The story line is the teacher caught the student asleep and wake them up in class...

Then the student woke up then fall asleep again...

At first my story line is the teacher face the whiteboard then the student fall asleep...

But then i think i glued wrongly and the rotation went wrong...

And overall the model worked well and smooth...

Something that I have achieved and happy about it,somehow...

Play time...

After Friday Critque,

As usual, I went to play basketball with my Poly friends...

Maybe we play full court that why it's abit rough...

It's quite expected...

Anyway...

I give everything I have...

I keep running...

Run back to defend and run to attack...

Run and run and run...

It seem to be a never ending thing for me...

In work, In relationship...

I never want to stop running even I drop and fall onto the ground...

I picked myself up and carried on running...

Until the last breath stop me from going further...

I'll never stop...

Another reason was to make myself tired and sleep well that night...

So I won't think

It's really hard to organise them to have a team and start playing...

It's like wasting time shouting here and there...

So funny lar...

There is one match whereby Paddy say those above 170 play against those who are below 170...

Then I agreed to play that match...

Cause they were not getting started and it really wasting time...

So we went on playing...

Jamie say It's a challenge So I think it's should be fun...

Play serious and I ran fastest... Never stop...

But still lose...

SIAN~~~

I'm not angry,

But I'm serious...

There is a difference...

Friday match makes me totally super tired and exhausted ...

Having leg cramp and upper body over strain as usual...

BUT IT WAS FUN!

When I sleep that Night, I have leg cramp twice on both sides of my upper thigh and lower thigh...

With both leg cramping at one time...

Just imagine the pain that I have got through...

It's not as pain as heartaching, I guess...

But it still hurt...

When it seem to coming towards you,

I shouted...

Then I just realised that it's getting deeper...

The more I ignored...

The more I cared...

Sorry for ignoring you,

But I'm trying hard to get rid of that feeling by doing that...

I know you were hurted or maybe not...

Afterall Ignoring is still my fault...

I want to do something about this...

I want to give my effort...

I'm not good at words and I don't know how girl feels

And don't even know how to please you...

But I mean what I say and I could only show it using my actions...

What I do now will it make a difference?

Sigh...

______________________________________________

After growing up in this family for 19 years...

I didn't know that my parents were SUPER Anti christain...

Now I realised...

What upset me the most was when they refused to let me go to church...

What dissappoint me was that they don't respect my choices...

What make me feel discourage was when they denied the presence of Christ...

How much longer will it take for me to bring you there to believe...

You keep saying that I'm unfilial...

UNFILIAL...

Do you know how hurtful was that word you used on me...?

I want to change because of you...

I make an effect...

Whenever I step into your room you will start saying about the church and stuff...

You say those hurtful words ,labelled me, condemn me...

But I didn't argue...

My faith still stand strong...

Cause I really believe in it...

But it's getting worse and worse...

Father...

If you can read this...

Please send someone to help me...

Please help...

Make her understand...

Sorry that I didn't go IT fair with you guy,

I was doing house chores this afternoon...

Pardon me...

Forgive me...

It's been ten week...

And a message was sent...